I can’t seem to shake imposter syndrome or doubts about whether I’m “trans” or whether I’m a woman, etc.
Just wondering what you all do when you feel that way, if you have any recommendations?
It makes me feel awful, there is so much commitment to a transition it feels like you have to be certain, but I just don’t have constant certainty.
Sometimes I’ll sit down and try to analyze it objectively, basically considering the “null hypothecis” - if I am not trans, then I would be cis, if I were cis then a certain set of things would be true (like, estrogen would probably not feel so great, testosterone would not make me depressed, etc.).
Insightful, thank you for your responses.
My “doubt” then might be better understood as a form of cognitive dissonance, as I struggle to unify my desires - a part of me desires to remain closeted and not transition while another part desires to move forward with the transition.
Clearly at this point the part that wishes to transition has won out, and has been driving the ship. But this does not silence the part of me, which is deeply ingrained, that transition threatens my survival and well-being. The problem is that both are true, I have to reconcile and navigate being between a rock and a hard place.
Also, it’s not merely the bigotry of others, but my own internalized disgust and bigotry I have to work through, but I think this is maybe less of an engine of my dissonance than my fears about safety and survival.
I only transitioned because I was in a uniquely dissociated place in my life, having survived a life-threatening situation that left my injured and partially disabled, and I was working a lot on my mental health. Being able to see the conditions that put me in a dangerous situation where I was injured helped me see the ways I was becoming a burden on others by not being well, so my wellness became a priority for the first time. I was finally able to prioritize eating healthy, exercising for my health, etc. in ways I just couldn’t before, and a downstream consequence was that I was finally able to acknowledge I might need to transition for my wellness.