I hope I’m not offending you, but you posting this is a cry for help because you know how fucked up it is but are way too close and probably in a little bit of denial. It really fucking sucks but the only way to be happy is to end this relationship.

You are absolutely not offending me. Yes, I’d say that this has been more a cry into the void than a cry for help. There probably is some degree of denial in there, yes. But there’s also the fact that while the situation rhymes with others that are extremely predatory, golddigger things, it is not one. I am very deeply loved. I’ve been hurt, deeply, but most of the situation is not one where there is someone to blame. Which, makes it worse in some ways because there isn’t a concrete “enemy” that can be used to make things feel better, just abstract feelings and mental illness.

I have ADHD and was in a relationship with a person with undiagnosed (at the time) BPD, which was no picnic, and some of your writings give me flashbacks.

It’s funny that you should mention this because the worst stretch of time was when she was misdiagnosed with BPD and put on medication for it. They really fucked her up and she is constantly apologizing if anything about that time remotely comes up.

Overall, though, thank you very much. I want to spend some more time rereading what you wrote and giving a more thorough reply but right now, I’m about at my emotional limit and need to work on some self care and trying to be ok enough to message my therapist, not to mention taking in the work week.

Man, this is a lot more than I’d trust some strangers on the internet to help with. Counseling (as a couple but especially for you) is the only advice I feel comfortable offering, as in, “my advice for you is to seek more qualified advice.”

I’d absolutely agree in most cases. I’m still a bit reeling and fucked up at the moment and needed to get it out before my next appointment and to get myself to even being ok sending messages about it to my therapist. I’m definitely intending to get into couples’ therapy again - last one wasn’t a good fit.

You clearly feel opposed to opening the relationship. For the time being, until these problems are well addressed, I wouldn’t consider that an option at all. It takes a lot of security and trust in each other to make a nonmanogamous relationship work which neither of you seem like you have.

Yeah. It feels a bit fucked up to me that I’d still be a bit ok with her being with another woman but, I don’t have any insecurity about having a vagina and I would genuinely be happy about her getting to explore that side of her identity. I certainly felt a lot more secure previously but without a healthy sex life in our relationship, yeah, there’s no way NOT to feel insecure when feeling frustrated like that. Add to that the introduction of insecurity about a part of me that I have no ability to change (without surgery that risks even more loss of functionality). If we had a healthy sex life, hey, I know I’m not swinging 8" and would be happy for her but right now, it’s not gonna happen.

Your wife frankly sounds like a bitch. I’m sorry if you’re offended at being told that

No. I’m not going to call you wrong or be offended. She absolutely has been in the past and regrets it deeply. There was a lot of good that came out of our previous attempt at couples therapy and she’s made concrete changes, in addition to apologies.

and I understand I’m kind of filling a stereotype of online relationship advice commenters, but I’d really be considering if your relationship with her is something you think both of you can/want to put effort into building or if you two have just grown too incompatible.

While this is sound advice, I think that, in ways, we’re in a bit of the opposite situation. Our increasing comfort with one another and our respective therapy allows us to better express ourselves than before, which also amplifies our ability to hurt one another, which is further augmented by my recently-discovered RSD. I’m not the most compatible with most people that I’ve had long-term relationships with due to my ADHD and all of the fun symptoms that I’m still working through.

At this point, I’d be taking a hard stock of your life and where you want it to end up.

Well, I certainly didn’t sign up for this. I still want to have kids and it’s looking less likely every year. But, even as low as I am now, I’m madly in love with her and she with me. Our fucked up brains are just great at causing unintentional harm from time to time. Most of the time, it’s good.